Why can't we all hold hands in Savasana?

It was in Savasana last week when I found the intention I had been seeking and knowing, yet dismissing.  I led the class through a powerful vinyasa focusing the intention on the beauty of simplicity and the importance of releasing old baggage, most importantly the baggage we "think" we need.  With each hip opener, I reminded the class it was all for a good cause.  By the end of the class, exhaustion set in and Savasana could not have come at a more perfect time.  When I had first set my intention for the week, it had been to purify, cleanse and start new, beginning with my bedroom.  However it was in Savasana when a couple in the back row of my class were holding hands while they lay separate, yet together in the pose. They showed me what my true intention was the whole time, compassion for myself and others.  It was time to confront it and embrace it with open arms.  I've been both scared and scarred by the process of opening. After spending so many years trying to achieve my independence as a strong woman, I have come to realize that it takes compassion and love to be a strong independent woman.  For some deranged reason I always saw softness of  the heart to be viewed completely separate from strength.  Society paired with the eccentricity of the mind can warp views such as mine.  In fact, softness and strength actually compliment each other perfectly. Helping others has always been something I enjoy doing, however the emphasis to help myself to be receptive of love has been a struggle.  Boundaries and barriers were easily made after my first heart break, but doesn't everyone have their story?  Yes, every one does have their heartbreaking story, but it's time to recognize mine.  I love to push away my problems, viewing them as minuscule in relation to the rest of society.  I am sure that in many cases my issues regarding compassion and love are minuscule, however disregarding them only creates more unnecessary veils surrounding my soft heart.  It's time to begin to gently remove the veils so I can once again feel the lightness of my heart.  Begin to laugh, to smile, and most importantly allow compassion for myself.

The Mystery of Street Signs

Balance. How simple it sounds, yet how difficult it is to find.  It is rare if I am ever in balance, but when I am, how sweet it is.  Becoming more aware of this constant struggle has led me to look deeper into my practice off of the mat.  Practicing Asana daily led me to recognize the signs I would normally never notice, even when they were hitting me directly on my forehead.  I speak about balance because for many of the people I am in daily contact with it seems to be the root of almost every conversation we have.  Even when I think to myself, "I am doing great, everything is working out", sooner or later my subconscious steps in.  It quietly reminds me of my first instincts before my mind began to go on it's usual tangent of perceiving a certain situation the way it wants.  I feel as though my mind is setting me up for failure! But I can not be too judgmental toward my mind, that's it's job, to completely mess with me by keeping me on my toes.  Maybe I am being harsh.  I do realize our minds do not intentionally want to mess with us because, whether we admit it or not, fantasy land is pretty kick ass.  Day dreaming, ah yes, keep me there forever.  However, I do need to give my intuition some props, it is usually dead on.  But alas, its a constant seesaw between my heart, my intuition, and my mind.

It was a friday night (11-11-11) when my friend and I decided to take on the city streets with our LED hula hoops, and bedazzled faces to celebrate many things including World Hula Hoop Day, Veteran's Day, and 11/11/11.  Washington Square Park was the location we were headed to meet up with other hoopers and to enjoy the childlike activity I find completely meditative.   I found it hard to walk in the city with the aura of the full moon captivating my gaze.  When I was able to meet my gaze halfway between the sky and the earth, which did not happen often, I noticed the blinking cross walk sign.  Like many New Yorkers, I rarely look at the crosswalk signs and charge forward because I feel entitled and in a hurry.  Ha.  It was tonight that I decided to give the old sign a millisecond of  a glance when I noticed that both the stop sign hand and the stick figured person were lit up.  I rarely look at the crosswalk.  Why now do I find myself confused and a bit taken back that the illuminated crosswalk sign is telling me to do both!?  Nearly a minute later I had come to terms that it was an omen.  It left a unsettling feeling in my body which helped me become aware of what was really going on here.  Balance.  The "stop and go" life I lead came to mind quickly as I began to read more into what the crosswalk was actually trying to tell me.  It was time to take a moment and notice the balance in my life, or lack there of.  The simple sign I received, which I would usually overlook, was shining brightly that night and it was the practice of awareness to recognize what was really going on here.  Either I need to look at crosswalk signs more or I need to remember to breathe and take a moment for myself.  

Inspiration on a Fall day..

With the soft sounds of Wilco playing out of my laptop, the smell of an apple spice potpourri candle, and the cold crisp wood floor beneath me, it is apparent that fall has just begun.  I am fascinated by fire as I stare deep into the flame and find myself submersed in meditation of the flickering candle, which smells wickedly delicious.  I think to myself, "What inspires me today?"  I often ask this question to keep myself on my toes. Always thinking and learning about my perspectives, which seem to change more often now than ever.  I'm assuming this may have something to do with my constant interactions with the melting pot of the city that never sleeps, New York.  I woke up this morning inspired by the Fall and the  effects from the change of season.  I noticed within myself how easily my whole state of mind shifts when I become aware of the beginning of a change.  The smell of the air in the morning gets me excited and starts a craving in my body to drink more hot coffee (that may be an excuse, but thats fine) and of course plan the many "October Activities" I wait for all year long.

Pumpkin everything is in style. My soul sister, T, would definitely agree on this.  She tends to go completely overboard with the fascination of pumpkin food, smells, decorations, etc., but hey, don't we all.  She's just more honest about it than anyone I have met, and that is why she inspires me.  Live true, and live in the moment of Fall.  It can bring out a part of us that we have not seen in awhile, maybe even since last fall.  I have decided to take full advantage of my obsession with Fall "things" because they make me happy, and don't we all yearn to be happy?  Well I do, often too much.  I try to see this as a good thing.  Constantly we push ourself to search.  Search for inspiration, work, friends, love, and comfort to name a few.  Fall and the change of season has opened my eyes to show me that inspiration is right in front of us everyday.  The change is both internal and external, from the weather and our choice of clothing, to advertisements and new "it" items to buy for the season.  The spirals of life are a beautiful way to remind us how easy it is to become inspired.  Just look around you.  Simplicity often is the most difficult to find but can be the most amusing.  Rock on Fall, thank you for this realization.  Time to go see if I can take this on the mat in my practice today...I have a feeling it won't be too difficult : ).

A sigh of relief

Yet again, I was in need of a retreat to the lush green forest of upstate NY where my lake house resides.  Having put aside "me" time, I saw myself becoming lost in the tribulations of everyday life.  Small things were noticeably bothering me more than ever, which was the sign that the Costa Rica zen I had once acquired was slowly exiting my body.  Becoming aware of this, I quickly scheduled the next trip I could make to retreat and find my truth.  Brushing off any existing plans, I knew it was necessary to remember what it once felt like to be at ease.  The days were long and the nights longer.  New relationships were made between the four young thriving artistic individuals who all needed a getaway and who were all seeking connection in some form.  Shakti was present in our body as we sang, painted and fire hooped underneath the brilliantly beautiful stars with the harvest full moon smiling over us.  Inspiration was flowing rapidly in the subtle lake current as we sat in the row boat that night and for the first time we found silence.  I took in the many sounds the universe was making, which I often forget to listen to.  The insects pulsated with the vibrations of our spirits and the lake moaned with appreciation.  This moment, I began to notice the sigh of relief I made.  It was loud, yet airy and filled with love.  It took a few days of serious grounding, but I had finally released a whole lot of something and it felt damn good.  Surrounded by my friends and the Earth, I was able to let go of my own judgements, worries, and self doubt.  My sigh was waiting for the perfect moment and space to release.  I remembered what it was to love again.  I am constantly reminding myself.

When I think of love, I often to think of the man who will sweep me off of my feet and take me away to his palace of chocolate and late night conversations with the back round sounds of Frank Sinatra and maybe even a harp. Pure delusion, I'm aware.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love to get out there, to believe in the unbelievable, but coming back to reality I remember to cherish the love I have within myself, for my family, my friends, the morning birds, and even the tiny little bugs I often wished would not show up on my yoga mat while practicing in the mornings.   The warmth love gives us is unquestionable.  We flourish and thrive best when we give and receive it.  A few days following the lake house getaway, I sighed once again.  I must say, it was a nice reminder which took me back to the moment underneath the stars and the importance of the ever so delicate word, feeling, and drug.  LOVE.

Inked in the Jungle

My tattoo feels like it has always been a part of me.  When I open my palm up toward the sky to meditate it lays perfectly receiving positive energy.  I chose the Om sign because of many many reason's, which I find difficult to verbalize. So here it goes...to briefly explain what the Om symbol means to me, I will start out with the concept that we are all connected and we affect each other through vibrations, which are expressed as we engage our mind, body, and spirit to cultivate the different sounds in the 4 vibrations.  A-U-M is how I pronounce Om, with the last vibration being silence.  It is a universal meaning that reminds me daily, you are I and I am you.  We are all mirrors to each other.  I placed this beautiful symbol on my forearm so I can glance down to remember not only the memories of Costa Rica Teach Training but also the depth of what the symbol means to me.  Om aided my rebirth when I was in the shadows and I found myself becoming far too comfortable in the darkness.  It showed me light.  The tree of life, which the Om is inside of, holds the life long meaning of my journey.  We are all born with roots which ground us in our being and we continue to grow branches of ourselves.  My branches continue to grew strong and proud, while others sometimes still struggle to find their way.  But they all make me who I am now, and I must come back to remember that my roots are always there; However, they are found more easily when I shine light on them, causing some more branches to grow.  I wanted my tree to be inked on me in subtle and feminine form.  The delicate and gracefully spiraling branches play a vital role in portraying that.

Sweet Sunshine!

This post is dedicated to my friend and fellow teacher Kristin who opened my eyes to my road of finding out.  She was the first person in my teacher training who I had time to get to know before the training for a few short days. I am honored to have shared time with such an inspiring person who taught me so much through her life experiences and wise words.  As she taught her first class with her sweet southern voice and contagious smile, I felt calm yet strong when she mentioned delicately throughout the asana to sit proudly even in the most subtle postures.  Nearing the end of her practice she reminded the class about each of our own journeys to finding our path, followed by her soulmate Cat Steven's song, "On the road to find out".  By day 19, I did not think that I could transform any more than I had already had in the past weeks, but she reaffirmed to us that we are always in a fluid motion to finding out.  I came to the Costa Rica Yoga Spa for teacher training, but I what I gained was much more than just a certificate.  The insight I acquired over the past 3 weeks from my friends, teachers, scripture, and yoga itself has continued to aid in the ever changing transformation of essentially who I am.

Week 3 of teacher training, ahh what!

It is nearing the end of week three and the Shakti (energy) has been overwhelming.  I have reminded myself to take mental notes every chance I get whether it be about a certain sequence I plan on teaching or about the stunning sunset we are so blessed with each night here.  On Sunday we played on the beach of San Juanillo, Costa Rica were the color of the sand changed from cream to metallic black within a slowly paced ten minute walk.  My new friend Ellen and I decided that "yoga camp" as her parents call it, was just not enough of a mental mind fuck(a positive mental mind fuck to clarify), we would go for an hour long walk on the beach to listen to each other's viewpoints on the all inclusive subject of life.  We discussed various topics that two fairly new friends would talk about.  Ya know, our perspectives on life, love, and all the things we could squeeze out  of each other in that short period of time.  Aside from randomly stopping for unique shells on the beach, the conversation seemed to be endless as we consistently sparked up new interesting topics for each other to engage in.  We had lost track of time and found our way immersing into the crystal clear blue water.  As I swam my way up out of the ocean, wiped the water from my eyes, and slicked back my long hair to find Ellen, I felt the most at ease I had felt in years.  It was one of those "Ah ha moments".  An "Ah ha moment" in my description, is a moment when one recognizes something significant, which most likely has been in front of he or she for a long time; However, the connection between the mind, body, and spirit has finally been made.  Thus, inspiring the individual to say "Ah ha!".  So you may wonder what my moment was all about.  It was very simple and yes, it was right in front of me for a long time.  I was happy.  That was it.  I was happy and grateful for it.  Staring at the sparkling sun glazed water after rubbing my eyes clean helped me to embrace that one second in time I would never get back and never forget it.  Majority of the time in my life I have overlooked those ever so beautiful "Ah ha moments".   When I was a child, I remember  recognizing those moments much more frequently.  Anything could have set me off, mainly hearing the chimes of the ice cream truck around the corner or watching one of my favorite movies, "My Girl", for the millionth time.  It made me think, hm, where did that childlike quality go?  Well it never went anywhere, it lays every so gently dormant in my body patiently waiting for me to recognize the "Ah ha moment".  So let us remember that inner grateful child!!

Trust, find your inner voice and open your heart to surrender with gratitude.

        The second week of Yoga teacher training briskly came and went filled with waves of emotions, challenges, and most importantly smiling bright eyes. We amped up our asana practice and our minds, feeling warn out by day 14 yet still yearning for more knowledge.  My eager body rested whenever given the chance and was regularly replenished with the magical fruits and vegetables provided by the jungle of Costa Rica.  The search was ignited to find my inner teaching voice.  When first teaching my fellow friends, I found myself having brain farts almost every few sentences as I tried to express the flow of my practice.  What foot to what hand? BRAIN, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, SPIT IT OUT!  Judgement tried to push it’s way in.  The old me most likely would have given up, but the new me decided to show compassion and remember that we always have tomorrow to improve.  

          Day 2 of finding our inner voice. I was exhausted and did not want to think of one more asana.  After two cups of coffee I remembered what it was like to be a somewhat functioning person.  We were put to the challenge once again, to find the teacher that is within us.  As drained as I was, I thought to myself that this new day can only get better.  To my reassurance, finding my voice today was not as frightening.  It was a voice deep inside me which I had been struggling to find for years.  Sure, speaking up to my parents was never hard for me especially being the baby of the family. However, speaking up for others to hear me seemed like a different galaxy.  My whole body vibrated with excitement screaming, “Yes, Finally, you found it!”. By the end of the day my face ached with the pain of smiling from ear to ear.  It was a smile of embracing her (my inner voice) and letting her finally shine. I'm going to go ahead and name her Sapphire. I began to enjoy her company progressively more as I taught asana the following day.   The pieces of the puzzle seemed to fit just perfectly by day three as I relaxed my shoulder’s, taught from my heart, and breathed out pure passion.  It was safe to say I found Sapphire.  She was sweet and blissful.

What is Grace?

This question has been a persistent thought I find struggling to grasps my mind around.  Visually I can see grace through yoga postures, however I struggle to verbalize my thoughts of such a beautiful word.  My perception of grace is the connection or threads which consistently challenge us, helping us to recognize and understand ourselves as well as the universe surrounding us.  Opening to grace is an awareness to understanding the difficult yet wonderful gift of grace itself and how it plays such a vital role in life. Intangible as it seems to be, grace is always there and is always waiting for us to use in a vibrant way for our own divine play.  When presented with the idea from Ashley to create our own idea of what the chakras mean to me through art, it was a task I felt at home with.  The art materials laid out, the music was playing and inspiration was surrounding me.  Somehow my mind went blank but my hands took over letting my heart lead them.  About thirty minutes later I stood back, not truly knowing what I was painting, and realized how much emotion and energy was present in the simple picture. The power of art shined through and in this moment the depiction of my chakra's showed me more about myself than I could have asked.  When meeting with my Kula the next night, each of us took a step back to once again see our depiction of our chakras.  It was amazing to see it in a different light and with a different perspective from the previous day.  Taking a step back showed me a new story about myself, realizing that to take a step back and look at events in my life from different angles is sometimes a challenge, but very much necessary to gain a wiser insight into who I truly am. This morning I consciously told myself to release from the tension and focal point of where I place all of my energy and for god's sake open to grace!

Intuition amiss the storm

Nervous energy and excitement engulfed my body as I entered the
endearing country of Costa Rica.  With my over packed luggage and
eager heart, I found my way up the steep, yet lush and beautiful
driveway to the Costa Rica Yoga Spa. In that pleasant moment wondering
if I was possibly dreaming the reality I had been looking forward to
for months, my intuition spoke to me.  My Kula (community) was waiting and ready
for me.  It was time to listen to that so called ‘gut’ feeling and
release any uneasy breathe buried within me.  Ah, yes, exhale and
trust.

The serene atmosphere of the sacred space overlooking the wild jungle
surrounding me was more than my senses could handle.  Overwhelming
feelings were trying to intrude on this beautiful moment.  It was time
to tell my mind to stop thinking and remember my prana’s ability to
take me back to my ‘gut’ feeling, which I had just a spit second ago.
So easily we let our mind lead us.  I thought to myself, isn’t yoga
supposed to be mind, body & spirit.  That’s when I remembered to let
go and BAM! I was back to my intuition followed by the warm smiles
from my new friends.

After an interesting first three days of yoga teacher training, I was
given a task by my guru to spend the next week working on my most
challenging pose. I was exhausted, introverted and simply not enthused
by this task. Of course, my favorite and least challenging pose came
immediately to mind, however my intuition was telling me to work on
Pincha Mayurasana (forearm balance). It was THE dreaded pose I have
been “working on” for months.  I somehow always find myself angered by
this pose but unwilling to take the time to dissect it.   As each day
passed, I struggled with the perfectionist within me as I fell out of
the pose constantly.  Discouragement and judgement toward myself was
constantly entering my thoughts.  It was difficult to escape my own
perceptions, until I remembered to honor the teacher within me.  Would
I speak badly to my students or get angered at them the way I am
speaking to myself? Of course not.  That is when I spoke to my inner
teacher and started from beginner’s mind.  We often forget to come
back to beginner’s mind but it is there, where I do not recognize my
ego’s subtle intrusion.  Releasing from the ego and focusing on the
fundamentals of the pose increased my awareness.  I decided to pop the
bubble of the angered judgmental ego away into space and soared into
Pincha Mayurasana.  Almost forgetting to breathe, I relaxed and smiled
at the teacher with in me. Woohoo! I had finally come face to face
with my mind and found my intuition.

Yoga Teacher Training Week One

Wow, I'm in Costa  Rica for yoga teacher training. That is the only thing running through my mind at the moment. Let me take a step back and thank all the amazing people in my life including my parents, brother, and friends who have all made a beautiful impact on who I am.  I am blessed and loving every moment of the life I am living.  Releasing feelings that do not serve me, I continue my journey to understanding who I am and why I am here.  Things should get exciting. Let the rainbows shine, the unicorns (yes, unicorns) run free, and the mountains roar with excitement!