The Beauty of Silence

Intuition.

Stop to listen.

Listen softly,

to your inner voice.

Driving supports self reflection

Inward.

The word intrigues me, yet frightens the hell out of me.  It has been the large red button I have yearned to push for far too long now.  Will I see things I don't necessarily want to see?  Will I gain a better perspective on my life?  I know the answers,  but for heavens sake why is it so difficult to set time aside for myself and to learn more about me.
                                                              Who am I?  
Between Facebook "likes" and counting Twitter "followers", the ego has shown it's way through once again.   In today's society we are more interested in ourselves then anything else, which leads me to question why it is so hard to take the journey inward.  Seek what has yet to be sought.  Constantly we use the word "I" and seek for other's approval, but why don't we seek approval from ourselves?

The layers I have created throughout the years to "protect" myself have actually caused more harm then good.  Go figure.  I have been focusing so deeply on the outward journey merely because I had mistaken it for the inward journey.  We do it everyday by investing in projects we feel are bigger than ourselves to feel a sense of accomplishment.  However, I forgot one small piece to the puzzle! Without loving myself completely, how will I ever feel accomplishment?  If I do feel accomplishment, the feeling will only last momentarily and the next thing to do will begin.

Driving in my car tonight, I took apart the common phrase,"Love yourself before you truly love someone else".  I have heard it often and even repeated it to friends and family, but most importantly did I live what I was preaching?  Yes, I do love myself.  Well, that's a fantastic start! I have actually admitted that I love ME, even for my imperfections and quirky personality.  After I answered the question and smiled to myself, I began to feel content with who I am.  I let all the questions and thoughts dissipate for a moment to honor the fact that indeed, I had just started my journey to go inward and truthfully by accident.  It took a number of signs for me to recognize this and to become aware of the new journey I am on, but in the end it was I who chose it.  Sometimes a little push is necessary from outside factors, such as the universe or close friends, but ultimately until we are ready to confront what is really going on, it is then that we will see that which has been embedded within us the entire time ~Namaste

Why can't we all hold hands in Savasana?

It was in Savasana last week when I found the intention I had been seeking and knowing, yet dismissing.  I led the class through a powerful vinyasa focusing the intention on the beauty of simplicity and the importance of releasing old baggage, most importantly the baggage we "think" we need.  With each hip opener, I reminded the class it was all for a good cause.  By the end of the class, exhaustion set in and Savasana could not have come at a more perfect time.  When I had first set my intention for the week, it had been to purify, cleanse and start new, beginning with my bedroom.  However it was in Savasana when a couple in the back row of my class were holding hands while they lay separate, yet together in the pose. They showed me what my true intention was the whole time, compassion for myself and others.  It was time to confront it and embrace it with open arms.  I've been both scared and scarred by the process of opening. After spending so many years trying to achieve my independence as a strong woman, I have come to realize that it takes compassion and love to be a strong independent woman.  For some deranged reason I always saw softness of  the heart to be viewed completely separate from strength.  Society paired with the eccentricity of the mind can warp views such as mine.  In fact, softness and strength actually compliment each other perfectly. Helping others has always been something I enjoy doing, however the emphasis to help myself to be receptive of love has been a struggle.  Boundaries and barriers were easily made after my first heart break, but doesn't everyone have their story?  Yes, every one does have their heartbreaking story, but it's time to recognize mine.  I love to push away my problems, viewing them as minuscule in relation to the rest of society.  I am sure that in many cases my issues regarding compassion and love are minuscule, however disregarding them only creates more unnecessary veils surrounding my soft heart.  It's time to begin to gently remove the veils so I can once again feel the lightness of my heart.  Begin to laugh, to smile, and most importantly allow compassion for myself.

The Mystery of Street Signs

Balance. How simple it sounds, yet how difficult it is to find.  It is rare if I am ever in balance, but when I am, how sweet it is.  Becoming more aware of this constant struggle has led me to look deeper into my practice off of the mat.  Practicing Asana daily led me to recognize the signs I would normally never notice, even when they were hitting me directly on my forehead.  I speak about balance because for many of the people I am in daily contact with it seems to be the root of almost every conversation we have.  Even when I think to myself, "I am doing great, everything is working out", sooner or later my subconscious steps in.  It quietly reminds me of my first instincts before my mind began to go on it's usual tangent of perceiving a certain situation the way it wants.  I feel as though my mind is setting me up for failure! But I can not be too judgmental toward my mind, that's it's job, to completely mess with me by keeping me on my toes.  Maybe I am being harsh.  I do realize our minds do not intentionally want to mess with us because, whether we admit it or not, fantasy land is pretty kick ass.  Day dreaming, ah yes, keep me there forever.  However, I do need to give my intuition some props, it is usually dead on.  But alas, its a constant seesaw between my heart, my intuition, and my mind.

It was a friday night (11-11-11) when my friend and I decided to take on the city streets with our LED hula hoops, and bedazzled faces to celebrate many things including World Hula Hoop Day, Veteran's Day, and 11/11/11.  Washington Square Park was the location we were headed to meet up with other hoopers and to enjoy the childlike activity I find completely meditative.   I found it hard to walk in the city with the aura of the full moon captivating my gaze.  When I was able to meet my gaze halfway between the sky and the earth, which did not happen often, I noticed the blinking cross walk sign.  Like many New Yorkers, I rarely look at the crosswalk signs and charge forward because I feel entitled and in a hurry.  Ha.  It was tonight that I decided to give the old sign a millisecond of  a glance when I noticed that both the stop sign hand and the stick figured person were lit up.  I rarely look at the crosswalk.  Why now do I find myself confused and a bit taken back that the illuminated crosswalk sign is telling me to do both!?  Nearly a minute later I had come to terms that it was an omen.  It left a unsettling feeling in my body which helped me become aware of what was really going on here.  Balance.  The "stop and go" life I lead came to mind quickly as I began to read more into what the crosswalk was actually trying to tell me.  It was time to take a moment and notice the balance in my life, or lack there of.  The simple sign I received, which I would usually overlook, was shining brightly that night and it was the practice of awareness to recognize what was really going on here.  Either I need to look at crosswalk signs more or I need to remember to breathe and take a moment for myself.  

Inspiration on a Fall day..

With the soft sounds of Wilco playing out of my laptop, the smell of an apple spice potpourri candle, and the cold crisp wood floor beneath me, it is apparent that fall has just begun.  I am fascinated by fire as I stare deep into the flame and find myself submersed in meditation of the flickering candle, which smells wickedly delicious.  I think to myself, "What inspires me today?"  I often ask this question to keep myself on my toes. Always thinking and learning about my perspectives, which seem to change more often now than ever.  I'm assuming this may have something to do with my constant interactions with the melting pot of the city that never sleeps, New York.  I woke up this morning inspired by the Fall and the  effects from the change of season.  I noticed within myself how easily my whole state of mind shifts when I become aware of the beginning of a change.  The smell of the air in the morning gets me excited and starts a craving in my body to drink more hot coffee (that may be an excuse, but thats fine) and of course plan the many "October Activities" I wait for all year long.

Pumpkin everything is in style. My soul sister, T, would definitely agree on this.  She tends to go completely overboard with the fascination of pumpkin food, smells, decorations, etc., but hey, don't we all.  She's just more honest about it than anyone I have met, and that is why she inspires me.  Live true, and live in the moment of Fall.  It can bring out a part of us that we have not seen in awhile, maybe even since last fall.  I have decided to take full advantage of my obsession with Fall "things" because they make me happy, and don't we all yearn to be happy?  Well I do, often too much.  I try to see this as a good thing.  Constantly we push ourself to search.  Search for inspiration, work, friends, love, and comfort to name a few.  Fall and the change of season has opened my eyes to show me that inspiration is right in front of us everyday.  The change is both internal and external, from the weather and our choice of clothing, to advertisements and new "it" items to buy for the season.  The spirals of life are a beautiful way to remind us how easy it is to become inspired.  Just look around you.  Simplicity often is the most difficult to find but can be the most amusing.  Rock on Fall, thank you for this realization.  Time to go see if I can take this on the mat in my practice today...I have a feeling it won't be too difficult : ).

A sigh of relief

Yet again, I was in need of a retreat to the lush green forest of upstate NY where my lake house resides.  Having put aside "me" time, I saw myself becoming lost in the tribulations of everyday life.  Small things were noticeably bothering me more than ever, which was the sign that the Costa Rica zen I had once acquired was slowly exiting my body.  Becoming aware of this, I quickly scheduled the next trip I could make to retreat and find my truth.  Brushing off any existing plans, I knew it was necessary to remember what it once felt like to be at ease.  The days were long and the nights longer.  New relationships were made between the four young thriving artistic individuals who all needed a getaway and who were all seeking connection in some form.  Shakti was present in our body as we sang, painted and fire hooped underneath the brilliantly beautiful stars with the harvest full moon smiling over us.  Inspiration was flowing rapidly in the subtle lake current as we sat in the row boat that night and for the first time we found silence.  I took in the many sounds the universe was making, which I often forget to listen to.  The insects pulsated with the vibrations of our spirits and the lake moaned with appreciation.  This moment, I began to notice the sigh of relief I made.  It was loud, yet airy and filled with love.  It took a few days of serious grounding, but I had finally released a whole lot of something and it felt damn good.  Surrounded by my friends and the Earth, I was able to let go of my own judgements, worries, and self doubt.  My sigh was waiting for the perfect moment and space to release.  I remembered what it was to love again.  I am constantly reminding myself.

When I think of love, I often to think of the man who will sweep me off of my feet and take me away to his palace of chocolate and late night conversations with the back round sounds of Frank Sinatra and maybe even a harp. Pure delusion, I'm aware.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love to get out there, to believe in the unbelievable, but coming back to reality I remember to cherish the love I have within myself, for my family, my friends, the morning birds, and even the tiny little bugs I often wished would not show up on my yoga mat while practicing in the mornings.   The warmth love gives us is unquestionable.  We flourish and thrive best when we give and receive it.  A few days following the lake house getaway, I sighed once again.  I must say, it was a nice reminder which took me back to the moment underneath the stars and the importance of the ever so delicate word, feeling, and drug.  LOVE.

Inked in the Jungle

My tattoo feels like it has always been a part of me.  When I open my palm up toward the sky to meditate it lays perfectly receiving positive energy.  I chose the Om sign because of many many reason's, which I find difficult to verbalize. So here it goes...to briefly explain what the Om symbol means to me, I will start out with the concept that we are all connected and we affect each other through vibrations, which are expressed as we engage our mind, body, and spirit to cultivate the different sounds in the 4 vibrations.  A-U-M is how I pronounce Om, with the last vibration being silence.  It is a universal meaning that reminds me daily, you are I and I am you.  We are all mirrors to each other.  I placed this beautiful symbol on my forearm so I can glance down to remember not only the memories of Costa Rica Teach Training but also the depth of what the symbol means to me.  Om aided my rebirth when I was in the shadows and I found myself becoming far too comfortable in the darkness.  It showed me light.  The tree of life, which the Om is inside of, holds the life long meaning of my journey.  We are all born with roots which ground us in our being and we continue to grow branches of ourselves.  My branches continue to grew strong and proud, while others sometimes still struggle to find their way.  But they all make me who I am now, and I must come back to remember that my roots are always there; However, they are found more easily when I shine light on them, causing some more branches to grow.  I wanted my tree to be inked on me in subtle and feminine form.  The delicate and gracefully spiraling branches play a vital role in portraying that.